The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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