Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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