I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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