she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
