Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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