My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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