He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
