i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
