Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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