if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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