Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I want you more than these girls want KFC
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
