My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
