if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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