how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
