Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
