I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
