i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
