i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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