I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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