girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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