a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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