i just wanna soil my oats bro
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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