You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
