I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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