Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
