Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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