Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
