That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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