i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
