I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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