4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
