jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
