Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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