thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
