I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
