i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I can't trust your balls anymore.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
