He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
