I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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