she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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