I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
