Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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