Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
