I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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