I'm pants shitting drunk right now
what day is it and did you see me today?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
