wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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