I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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