I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
