Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
