Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
