Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
